Say No So You Can Say Yes
This week I’ve said no to two work opportunities. I nearly said yes, however I noticed that I felt unsure. They were good opportunities, but not the kind of work I’m trying to focus on at present. I’ve realised that when I say to yes to things that are not 100% my priority or my passion, it generally leads to frustration and regret. So I’m learning to say no.
We’re often asked to do things - work on a new project, contribute to a meeting, volunteer at school, join a group (running club, book group, social committee etc etc), come to an event. Initially it can feel nice to be asked, but this can quickly be followed by the realisation that we actually want to say no but feel we ought to say yes. Our internal dialogue might go something like this:
I ought to do this (I have the skills, knowledge, experience)
I should probably do this (it’s the kind, helpful, practical thing to do)
I know the person asking (who I like) would really appreciate me doing this
I could do this (if I juggle a few things around a bit and stay up late)
What if saying no damages my relationship with them? (I’d hate that)
Notice a lot of should, ought and what if.
Many of us are so conditioned to want to help (especially those of us with a Feeling preference on Myers Briggs) that it can feel selfish to say no when we know it’s within our power to help. But at what cost? Often it comes at the expense of more important priorities - like our health, time with family or work we love.
‘Don’t be afraid to give up the good to go for the great’. John D Rockefeller.
We will find it much easier to say no if we have a bigger yes burning inside us and we’re clear what our actual priorities are. Stephen Covey called these Big Rocks in his now famous illustration about putting the big rocks (priorities) in place before you add the small rocks (the many less urgent tasks that need doing. (Click here to see him demonstrating this - it's an old video but still a good one).
Big Rocks are the things that are really important to you (relationships, physical and mental health, long term work opportunities or personal dreams). They are generally not urgent and therefore can easily get lost in the busyness of daily life. Small rocks are the things you need to do, but they are less important (work or home projects, respond to someone’s request, organising your diary, book club). Sand is the mundane day to day tasks. (emails, meetings, laundry, paying bills, shopping, etc.).
The jar is your life, your time, your energy, your resources. You only get one jar. Annoying I know. We often live as if we have many jars, with unlimited time and resources.
As you start this new year I wonder if you feel clear what your Big Rocks are, for your work and for your personal life? And what do you need to say no to, to make them happen?
As Stephen Covey himself said, ‘If the big rocks don’t go in first, they aren’t going to fit in later.’ The last few years have highlighted to many of us what matters most, things like relationships, health, doing work that gives us purpose and meaning. May 2022 be the year that we say no to oughts and shoulds, people pleasing and perfectionism. So that we can say yes to the people and the work that matters most.